Peices of a broken mom

In the 2 years that I have been a mom I feel like I’m back in school. every day seems to be a new lesson  & each moment has to be jotted down so that it can be fresh in my memory. their are some experiences that you just cant get from reading a book , most of them need to be lived in real time & when you are a mom everyday is a new experience. I feel like I’ve been working full time to care and teach my son and it is hard work.I only want the best for him and I always find myself feeling guilty about some decision I have made and I am trying to accept the fact that I can’t win every battle. Some moms say just let him cry, every mom needs a break , but how can someone try to relax when their kid is screaming with tears down there face and it just breaks my heart to see my son that way. I am trying to teach him manners, and how to be kind to people, and how to share, and how to be polite and how to respect and the list just goes on. I guess most dads think that these characteristics comes natural to a child but it’s not that simple. I wish more men understood the struggle a mom goes through, I wish there was a way to explain it better. I just know this, I have sacrificed for my son since the day I found out I was pregnant.

I quite smoking

I tried to eat healthy as much as I could so I could maintain a healthy weight

I decided to have an all natural birth at the birthing center with no medication because it was better for my son

I breast fed my son for 4 months and I even pumped milk for him when I had to go back to work.

I started doing educational apps with my baby boy when he was only a couple months old just cause I wanted to give him the best head start that I could

I read to my baby boy at least 5 days a week

I started teaching my boy sign language since he was 6 months old so he could communicate with me.

I sleep trained him and gave him his own room cause I knew that a sleep routine would be better for all of us

I did all of these things because its my job as a mom to give my son the best of me, and I’m a proud mom. even though my boy is only 18 months he can sign at least 10 words, he knows some of his colors, he knows his body parts, and he knows his fruits cause he lovessssssssssssssss fruits. when I started this journey I had a partner, the one other person that I thought would be there every step of the way,but somewhere along this road I lost him. as he slipped away I tried to pull him back but I realized that I couldn’t reach out for both of them so I let go.i COULDN’T DEAL WITH THE PRESSURE OF TRYING TO BE THE BEST mom and then having someone second guess everything that I did.

I like to think that I let go of all the stress that a relationship can put on one person but it isn’t that simple. I pretty much traded one stress for another. The stress of being a single mom is unbearable, but the smile I see on my little boys face makes getting through everyday possible.I am still trying to figure out how a parent  can balance caring  and protecting their child while also making time for themselves.

I saw these 2 moms on the bus this morning and between them their were 4 children I don’t know who had how many kids but together they seemed like a team. they both had a whole bunch of bags which isn’t surprising for a mom, and their kids looked happy as they talked and played with each other. I think that is what I desperately need a mom friend, someone I can talk to about all the pressures that come with parent hood.

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Flashes

I SEE flashes OF A FAMILY , THAT I WILL NEVER HAVE & VISIONS OF A FUTURE THAT ARE NO LONGER IN MY PATH. I WONDER IF YOU SEE ME OR IF YOU EVER THINK OF ME, OR AM I JUST ANOTHER GIRL WHO WASN’T MEANT TO BE. YOU TOOK FROM ME SO MANY THINGS,BUT  THE WORSE HAS TO BE  MY MEMORIES, BECAUSE THE GUY THAT FELL IN LOVE WITH ME WAS NOT THE ONE WHO WALKED OUT ON ME. YOU ACT AS IF WE COULD BE FIRENDS , JUST PUT ON A SMILE AND PRETEND, THAT THE PROMISES YOU MADE TO ME MEANT NOTHING to you & NOW YOUR FREE.I STILL THINK OF YOU SOMETHIMES WHEN I SEE our LITTLE BOY,WISHING YOU COULD OF LOVED US MORE, WISHING IT WASN’T SO EASY  TO WALK OUT THAT DOOR.i guess you just walked away when the love you had was just gone one day, but I wish you didn’t make me think that no matter what we would be in sync. forever connected, BUT NEVER IN LOVE , I WILL PRAY FOR A SIGN FROM MY GOD UP ABOVE.